My Comeback Story

*Award winning & internationally exhibited*

One of the hardest trials in life for me so far was losing my mind.

“One of the hardest trials in life for me so far was losing my mind.”

-

**This article contains graphic content and is not suitable for all readers **

Before getting to the nitty-gritty let's look at some things:

According to NAMI ( National Alliance on Mental Illness) more than 42 million people, in the United States alone, experience mental health illness in any given year.

50% of all lifetime mental illness begins by age 14.

In the Lancet Medical journal ,written by 28 global medical experts, said that worldwide one in every four individuals will suffer from a mental health condition in their lives.

After suffering a battle of her own, a neuroscientist argued, “We still judge brain malfunctions as if they are character deficits, reflections on a person’s value rather than the result of physical processes gone awry.”

Now let’s pause on this for a moment. Can you think of how many people in your life who go to therapy? Do you yourself go? Do you, or know someone, who struggles getting help because of negative beliefs and stigmas? Are these beliefs your fears or are these beliefs held by others?

Have you ever experienced your friend going through a tough time?  Perhaps you watched them sink into their own void? Have you ever? Or have you ever been or known the one full of life person, that people like to be around, yet inside not feeling quite up to the standard?

Well there is a good chance that you will have, or already have had, a mental-health affair at some point in your life. Anxieties, depression, post-traumatic stress, attention deficit disorder, psychosis, schizophrenia, are all common and although you may never lose your mind, I encourage you to remember this comes in all forms and sizes.

From an early age, I suffered from post-traumatic stress disorder (this took me many, many, maaaany moons to realize and to this day have epiphanies regarding these traumatic moments I endured). This caused me to do everything from pulling out my hair, dramatic weight gain and loss, as well as making cuts on my body; the most severe impact though was on my mental health. It wasn’t until just a couple of years ago that I began to realize my behavior and it's signs when I started to deteriorate again, but I’ll get back to that in a moment.

This really came through with what I called the visions - nightmares. Throughout the years, the intensity of which lessened, while the realities of the situations became more apparent. Because the things I was having these nightmares about were suppressed by both my own mind and by fear and confusion. I would see menace in situations that were non-threatening, and missed the real dangers, whilst insisting on doing the things I had always done - like adventuring down riverside in the middle of the night at the age of twelve.

I was (and can still be at times) angry, cranky, demanding, insistent, unreasonable, intolerant, and sometimes a tad reckless with myself; never putting others in danger but more often pulling them away and out of it. I made bad decisions, and ran with the wrong crowd from time to time, but I always made sure the people I was with were well off and taken care of mentally. I always tried to make sure they saw the value in themselves that I always saw in them from getting to know each human I have encountered. Many of my friends referred to me as the “mom” of the groups of people I involved myself with because I was always “prepared and thinking like a mom”.

I am sensitive—more aware of how people with mental illness suffer, and am more tolerant of the struggle involved, for both those who are sick and those who surround them.

It can be an awful place to be.

Perhaps another reason as to why I studied multiple semesters of psychology in college, not only to realize what was going on in my mind but that a lot of these “issues” were widely common and even more widely unspoken.

Through a Blurry Haze

There was a period of time not so long ago when my life changed forever. In most ways I brought it upon myself, although now I realize that all the series of events leading up to my grand demise were linear. They all made sense when I could take a step back and take a breath of air to process these thoughts and images. For those of you unfamiliar with PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder), as defined in DSM 5 which is the American Psychiatric Association's dictionary, proposes that there are four distinct clusters of this disorder:

“They are described as re-experiencing, avoidance, negative cognition and mood, and arousal. Re-experiencing covers spontaneous memories of the traumatic event, recurrent dreams related to it, flashbacks or other intense or prolonged psychological distress. Avoidance refers to distressing memories, thoughts, feelings or external reminders of the event.”

This affected me severely in a way; I was not aware would happen – much less prepared for as an child. As an adult, there are a ton and a half more ways that we can suppress our emotions by and with (Is that why we all have a hard time connecting and communicating? Perhaps). I would not consider myself a drinker much less a heavy drinker, however as I grew through my teenage years and into being a young adult I became an abuser of alcohol. I would - as most do - use it to celebrate, as a stress reliever, to take off the edge after a long day. I would drink bottles upon bottles smothering myself in anything that was not the flashes of my mind.

This impacted me the most, when one year when celebrating our birthday month( a small group of us all had birthdays within a few days or weeks apart, so we took it upon ourselves to celebrate together), a boy came home with me. This is another one of those hazy parts, see, I distinctly remember having had a little too much to drink, driving home looking over and seeing someone in my car. I remember saying I had to work in the morning, being confused, and that I didn’t know how he was getting home or where he was sleeping but that It would not be with me. A few more flashes later and I wake up with him inside me, me in the floor, my work alarm going off, the light coming through the open balcony curtains. Now I see it is raining on the window of the car on the way home, I remember I can hear and feel the panting, me shaking my head thinking this is not happening, what is happening. Then it was over and all I remember was locking the door behind me and heading off to work, a wreck but already burying instead of processing. You see, unfortunately this isn't the first or second time that I have found myself in a situation like this. 

Fast forward a couple years, I am stable and happy. I have the most brilliant little bean. I met a man, who hit me with a radiating light of energy in the most intoxicating way. I am the happiest I have been in my life for years. Then it hits. The darkness starts to encase me. A life altering event occurs. I didn’t reach out for help, instead I sunk further into my own madness. Flash forward.

  Fresh Strawberries, Cold brew coffee, and Depression

An open letter from your photographer

With the seasons coming and going, another year of school fast approaching it has dawned on me that my depression has yet again taken over. This is nothing new, I along with thousands of other creatives and human beings suffer but another thing that suffers is our family and our livelihood.

About four and a half years ago, I quit taking new clients for my business. I was somewhere between a shoot and burn and a professional at the time of doing so. I was taking great quality images, editing them professionally, and loved every aspect of it. I worked as second shooters for other PPOK members, PPA members, shoot and burns, and shot weddings myself. Now you may be asking, “What went wrong?” and I will tell you.

I now feel as if this should have served enough of a warning sign to myself (one of many I am sure). I started this little piece of text at the end of 2016, originally titled Fresh Strawberries, Watermelon, and Depression. The last edit I made on this piece was in 2017 by which point, I had already started to suffer from the resurfacing flashes of my PTSD.

Writing even that small of a text was a huge deal for me, unfortunately for my partner at the time who decided to read it over my shoulder (which I normally would have loved and adored him for doing), I snapped. This is something that haunts me to this day for doing. I knew things were wrong and clearly struggled in reaching out to the people around me who cared.

From then on the drinking came in waves again, this time heavier, harder the more in my hole I became. The visions and nightmares started to return.

Knowing in theory is not the same as experiencing the effects, you see.

This time it was way different it shook my whole body, from my very core to the deepest recesses of my mind, and then there I was. In a hole, inside of a hole, buried so far deep no beams of light could have shown through, or so I thought.

I wasted away for a couple years like this, most did not know until the end. I had a hard time talking about it. Now I push myself to see, so that if it ever comes again I am prepared. This helped me so much in coming out of it. I am extremely bull headed and strong-willed. I think without those two traits I would have been long gone from this world.

It helped me to be able to ask for help when I would get triggered and the shroud of black would take over, sometimes it would be hours of just nothing I can remember, other times I’ve been told that I had amazing conversations before just exploding, and at other times I would be off balance for days.

And the more I remember from the days and weeks of my madness, the more frightened I become that I will lose my mind again. Perhaps madness is not the proper term to describe my condition at the time. After all, it is not an official diagnosis, but it is often used informally to mean instability, insanity, and angry and disorganized behavior. So instead I think of myself as having experienced a number of symptoms connected with a range of mental disorders. In other words, I had a brush with insanity. And I have come back.

                                                                                                                                             - Lipska

The last few years have had its ups and downs, some days - weeks - hours are harder than others, and some months soar by with light hearted ease. As Lipska says, remembering all the madness can be frightening, looking back into the crevices where your brain decided to shut down because it was overheating is both exhausting and can be gut wrenching. The advantage to this is it makes me a stronger, more courageous, cautious and level headed human being.  

Redeveloping positivity has been no easy task. My biggest motivators are my strong will, stubbornness, and my mini me. I am constantly encouraging myself to smile (because “they say” even faking it tricks your brain into releasing your happy endorphins), staying hydrated, remembering to breathe, and that it is okay to take time for myself have been huge benefactors to my mental health.

My ardent love for the ways of the earth, my family, and my artwork are good driving factors for me. I continue to push myself out of my comfort zone so that I am able to see and understand more. In the process of redeveloping my positivity over the past couple of years, I have come to enjoy working out.

 Don’t get me wrong now, I am an avid hater for going to the gym and all that ( for myself) however I learned that although I wasn’t a fan of it – it was something I stripped away from my life when I am struggling. I have always been athletic, from folkloric ballet to marching band in high school. I loved sports, music, arts and science and I now realize, accept, and acknowledge that when I start to crash one of the first things to go are the things that stabilize me. 

Going to the gym for a long while gave me awful anxiety then became a huge stabilizing factor in my life. I am strong to believe that it was all in my mind. I had stigmas about the gym and I was not a fan of it, once I overcame that fear I had left behind the stigmas.

There were many years in my life where I asked for help, the adults around didn’t always know what to do with a child like me. So as a discouraged child and youth I went a long time asking for help with no one helping so I figured it out alone and in that I also realized I was not alone. 

Over the past several weeks everyone’s worlds have come to a screeching halt in some fashion or another, since the arrival of lock downs, Covid-19, worldwide pandemic, job loss, the sharp falls in carbon emissions (for now), and the starting of the reopening of states - we as a world and community still come together.  

Now is a time to generate positivity and productivity in your life and share those connections you have with others. Now more than ever is a time when we need to talk more about how collective change is possible by experimentation in our individual lives.

One step at a time, day by day, or for me working in eight week increments help boost my productivity and goal achieving.

Over the past year, I have: 

Been inducted into the National Society of Leadership and Success, woohoo that was cool! 

Completed SKYWARN Spotter Training, so that in all severe weather I can make sure you and I are being safe in case a storm approaches during our adventures,

Gotten my business users certificate and passed my MOS Office Specialist exam with excellence - this was huge for me considering my atrocious test anxiety, 

Done more of what I have wanted to do, like taking road trips with my son and homeschooling,

Not allowing myself to be as hindered by others and their negativity,

And grown to love, value, and see myself as the strong independent and courageous woman that I am and continue to grow to be. 

So, through the redevelopment of my positivity (which is a struggle from time to time, I will be the first to admit) I have adapted to the mentality of making this come back a grand one. 

There will always be a small piece of fear lingering in my mind. I’ll always wonder if it will all catch up to me later, or perhaps the worst is behind and this next chapter is even more glorious than the last, with I’m sure some large hurdles of its own.

I am so excited, rejuvenated, and filled with more courage than I have been in years.

I truly and graciously appreciate you for taking your valuable time to read this. I hope it brings some solace to those who need it and for those of you along for the journey - my most humble thank you for staying until the end. 

To all the people I have hurt and effected with my behavior, my sincerest apologies,

To my son, may you always be silly and wild even through the messy brain waves,

To my soul mate, who I had the most wonderful pleasure of meeting in this life,

To my mother, who I hope to one day find a relationship with some peace in it,

To my god mom, who has always lent an ear, kept amazing food in our bellies, believed in me, and helped my family more than words can express,

To my bitches who have been by my side for years,

To my son’s padrino and madrina who I thank for putting up with me all these years,

To my future self, you kick ass girl - I’ll try to not worry as much;

And to YOU - my reader and clients, may you never forget how important your health and the health of others around you is, not just in these trying times.

We all go through many changes, it’s okay to not always be okay.

Remember, life happens for us to learn, not to diminish us.

My one question to you, Are you okay with not being okay? Reach out to your support system and talk; everyone has someone who loves them even when they don’t realize it. 

Thank you.

Postscript: An extra huge shout out to my mentor, mindset-results coach, and editor! Without these three super humans I wouldn’t have had the support and encouragement to move forward in sharing this.
Many many thank yous<3

Published: Thursday May 7th, 2020  - 99% full moon in Scorpio at 5:43 am

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You are never alone in your struggles.

In the wise words of Albus Dumbledore :

It is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.

&

Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.

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